The Villain of Someone Else's Story

Over the years, as I’ve consulted with small businesses, leadership teams, and founders, I’ve noticed something that shows up in nearly every organization. It’s never in the financials. It’s rarely in the strategy. It’s always in the people.

• Someone is convinced they are the victim.

• Someone else has quietly become the villain.

• And everyone is frustrated with the results

I once worked with a team where two high performers had completely stopped speaking to each other. Their manager pulled me in because productivity was slipping and turnover was rising. When I sat down with the first employee, he told me a detailed story about how his coworker was undermining him, withholding information, and “trying to make him look bad.”

A few hours later, I met with the second employee. He told me almost the exact same story… but with the roles reversed. Same plot, same pain, different villain. Both were absolutely certain their version was the truth. Both were emotionally exhausted. Both were unintentionally contributing to the problem.

What struck me most was not the conflict. It was how quickly each person had cast themselves as the victim and the other as the attacker. Neither had paused to ask whether their interpretation might be incomplete. Neither had considered their own insecurities, biases, or projections. And neither realized how their mindset was slowly poisoning the entire team. It also surprised me how quickly other team members in the company picked a side with limited information. Of course, those team members were "sure" they had ALL the correct and pertinent information, despite having only heard one side of the story, or a third parties’ interpretation of that story. Yet, they made a call of who was right and who was wrong with such passion. It was a mess!

I’ve seen the same pattern in large corporate teams, small family businesses, church responsibilities, friendships, extended family, marriages, and yes, even in the messier situations of my own life. The details change, but the psychology does not. When people feel threatened, insecure, hurt, or afraid, they often rewrite the story until they feel like the one who was wronged; and they will convince themselves of that for a very long time with others perpetuating this story as well and giving them permission and validation to be the victim.

• It is easier to be hurt than to be accountable.

• It is easier to accuse than to self-reflect.

• And if we are being honest, most of us have done both at different points in our lives.

Being cast as the villain in someone else’s story can feel unfair, confusing, and at times deeply personal. But understanding the psychology behind it helps leaders navigate conflict with clarity instead of emotion. It also helps us see people with more compassion, even when their behavior is difficult or their narratives are distorted.

This article is written for leaders, founders, managers, and anyone responsible for people. It is also for the individuals quietly working through personal battles behind the scenes. If you have been blamed unfairly, misunderstood, or targeted by someone who only knows half the story, this will resonate. If you lead a team where drama, miscommunication, or blame is slowing down the mission, this is for you too.

Let’s break down the psychology of victimhood, the danger of projection, why some people create villains where none or both exist, and what strong, principled leadership looks like in the middle of emotional storms.

1. The Psychology Behind the Victim Mindset

There is a difference between being hurt and adopting a victim identity. Research calls this pattern the Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood (TIV), defined as a stable personality trait rooted in four components:

1. Constant rumination

2. A belief in one’s own moral superiority

3. A sense of entitlement to sympathy or compensation

4. A preoccupation with past offenses (Gabay et al., 2020)

People with high TIV scores tend to interpret neutral events as hostile. They assume negative intent even when none exists. Because the victim role offers emotional benefits, they subconsciously cling to it.

Psychologically, the victim identity carries three short-term rewards:

• Attention

• Avoidance of accountability

• A sense of moral high ground

But the long-term costs are heavy. Studies show that a chronic victim mindset is associated with higher levels of depression, anxiety, and interpersonal conflict, along with lower resilience and problem-solving ability, especially in a team/family environment. (Shahar et al., 2021).

When someone embraces this identity, their ability to see their own contribution to a situation drops dramatically. Leaders often try to “reason” with these individuals, but victimhood is not rooted in logic. It is rooted in unresolved pain.

And pain, when left unaddressed, creates distortion.

2. How Insecurity Turns Ordinary People Into “Villains”

Humans naturally project their fears onto others. Projection is one of the most well-documented defense mechanisms in psychology. It happens when individuals attribute their own feelings, flaws, or motives to someone else in order to avoid facing them internally (Freud, 1927).

Insecure people often project:

• Their guilt by accusing others

• Their resentment by assigning blame

• Their indecision by claiming someone else limited them

• Their unhappiness by turning others into the reason for it

People rarely accuse others of things they do not secretly fear in themselves.

In the workplace, this shows up when an employee says, “You don’t communicate,” when they themselves never initiate a conversation. Or, “You don’t support me,” when they resist guidance. Leaders must learn to discern the difference between constructive feedback and emotional projection.

When someone needs you to be the villain in their story, logic rarely matters. They bend your actions until they fit the narrative they have chosen. Understanding this dynamic is not about dismissing real concerns. It is about recognizing when someone’s accusations reveal more about their inner world than yours.

3. What Strong Leaders Do When They Are Cast as the Villain

Leadership becomes clearer when you accept a simple truth: You can act with integrity and still be misunderstood. The goal is not to convince everyone. The goal is to remain grounded in truth.

A. Do not fight the story. Fight for clarity and evidence - People committed to being the victim are not persuaded by explanation. But truth has a long memory, when people tend to falter. Document your actions. Communicate directly. Stay consistent. Most false narratives collapse under the weight of time and facts. Sometimes those facts do not get to surface to most, but the ones that matter will seek those facts from you. If they don’t they probably don’t matter.

B. Stay curious rather than defensive - Healthy leaders ask three questions:

1. What part of this is true?

2. What part is emotional?

3. What part has nothing to do with me?

Curiosity reduces reactivity. It protects you from becoming what someone else accuses you of being.

C. Protect your culture from chronic victims - Research in the Journal of Applied Psychology shows that employees who consistently externalize blame reduce team morale, increase conflict, and contribute to higher turnover (Chiu & Peng, 2020). Empathy is essential, but enabling is destructive. Leaders who allow victim-driven narratives to shape culture eventually watch their healthiest employees carry the heaviest emotional burden.

D. Lead with compassion but hold firm boundaries - You can acknowledge someone’s pain without accepting their version of events. Compassion does not require you to participate in falsehoods. Boundaries keep compassion honest.

4. Understanding People Who Always Play the Victim

It is tempting to dismiss people who consistently adopt the victim role. But a wise leader takes a balanced view.

A. Their pain is real, even if their story is incomplete - People choose victimhood because they lack internal tools to manage conflict. Blame feels safer than accountability. Anger feels safer than vulnerability.

B. Victimhood is a coping mechanism, not a personality - It was often learned in childhood or through trauma. It is how a person protects themselves from deeper fears of rejection or inadequacy.

C. If you have heard one story, you have heard half a story - Narrative bias research shows that humans naturally simplify complex situations into hero-victim-villain structures because this makes emotional sense (Bruner, 1990). Without the full context, judgment is premature. Wise leaders reserve judgment until they have heard every perspective.

D. Show empathy, but insist on accountability - Unchecked victimhood destroys growth. The balance is acknowledging legitimate pain while requiring responsibility for one’s choices. Empathy without accountability creates emotional chaos. Accountability without empathy creates fear. Leadership requires both.

5. Leadership, Truth, and the Quiet Strength to Keep Going

Leadership is not for the faint of heart. Teams, families, communities, and businesses are filled with imperfect people carrying imperfect stories. You will be misunderstood. You will be judged unfairly. You will be painted as the villain by someone who cannot or will not see the whole picture. It's tragic for them and those that chose their team without questioning or trying to see another perspective......But this does not define you.

What defines you is your integrity. Your willingness to self-reflect. Your courage to stand in truth. Your ability to grow even when others remain stuck. Your commitment to lead with compassion and firmness, even when others pull you into emotional storms.

For those of us who believe in a higher purpose, there is comfort in knowing that truth is not fragile. It does not need hype or drama to survive. It simply needs TIME. Scripture often reminds us that God looks on the heart, not the outward appearance. There is strength in knowing that your character is seen even when your actions are twisted by someone else’s narrative.

You do not have to defend yourself to everyone. You do not have to correct every accusation. You do not have to win someone else’s version of the story.

You simply have to live in a way that allows the truth to rise. And it will. People who heal grow. People who grow take responsibility. People who take responsibility become leaders others want to follow.

Lead like that. Even when it costs you. Lead like that. Even when others misunderstand you. Lead like that. Because leadership always reveals who we really are.

And eventually, the story others tell about you cannot hold a candle to the life you are actually living, and you will realize one day that it never really mattered what they thought anyway.

References

• Bruner, J. (1990). Acts of Meaning. Harvard University Press.

• Chiu, S. C., & Peng, J. C. (2020). The impacts of blame externalization on interpersonal conflict and team dynamics. Journal of Applied Psychology, 105(6), 670–684

• Freud, A. (1927). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defense. Hogarth Press.

• Gabay, R., Halperin, E., Radzik, A., & Porat, R. (2020). The tendency for interpersonal victimhood: Conceptual development and initial findings. Personality and Individual Differences, 166, 110–113.

• Shahar, G., Henrich, C. C., Winokur, A., & Blatt, S. J. (2021). Interpersonal victimhood, anxiety, and depression: The mediating role of cognitive-emotional processes. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 40(4), 287–305.